No One is Coming to Save Us

Here is a truth that widows keep to themselves. You can tell us that we are not alone all you want, but truth? We are. We are 100% alone in our grief. And once we come to terms with that it can be OK.

Others who are also grieving our person are in our grief hemisphere, of course. They understand bits and pieces of what our journey has been, for sure, but they are alone in their own personal grief as well.

So we are alone. What does that mean, exactly?

It means that no one, not one single other human being, knows how we carry our grief. How it lives inside of us, differently in each person. You alone know how every moment of every day, every interaction with others, every smile, every emotion and moment that you bump up against is filtered through the love we shared with our person. A love and a life that no one can possible understand.

We hear that we are not alone. "You are not alone. You have your family, your friends..." And that is true. And we certainly don't want to discount the amount of support our tribe provides. We would be having a much harder time on this journey without them, for sure. But deep down, deep in our soul, we know the truth. No one, not even fellow widows, can truly step into our shoes.

Widows are 5.2 times more likely to feel lonely. We've all been there- feeling alone in a room full of friends or family. Feeling alone at the dinner table with our own children. Feeling alone in our pew at church, surrounded by like minded people. You, and you alone know how how deeply your life has changed. And though you might try to explain, and though your tribe might really want to understand, they just won't be able to. And we do want to explain it. Lord knows we try and try to get people to understand how truly alone we are. How it feels to know your person is not there, waiting up for you to come home. How unsafe we feel now, in crowds. How a hug from a friend, while nice, is not a replacement for a spouse's touch. And again, once you accept this truth, it is OK.

It is OK because we can meet with our widow groups, who do understand, if only through the lens of their own loss. We can spend time with our friends and family and not expect them to fully understand. We can give up on the idea that others will understand, and we can embrace the fact that no one ever will. And we can put that desire away. We can let it go and we can move on. Once we realize that the troops are not coming to save us, we can begin to save ourselves.